Today is New Years Eve. I feel terrible. It has always been like that. And I don’t know why. Every December 31st I find myself alone in my room, listening to the sounds of celebration, welcoming the new year, saying goodbye to the previous one. People laughing, hugging, drinking, dancing under the dark sky which is now lit by all the fireworks.
I’m sitting in my room feeling miserable. Like I haven’t acomplished anything this year. Hopeless. There is so many things I am grateful for yet still I feel sad and empty. I feel like crying. My heart is running its race once again, my hands are cold and shaking, my mind is replaying the whole year over and over.
And then, all of a sudden it’s over.
People are gone.
And the only things that had left are messy streets and silence.
This is a journal entry I wrote earlier today. I really wanted to spread some positive vibes here and also on my Instagram, write down all the things I am grateful for and everything I’ve learnt in 2016 but I can’t put it together. I want to be honest. I feel like a shit on a day when everyone is celebrating. So what? It’s real. Even if it’s shit, it’s real. I don’t want to pretend I feel awesome when I don’t. I don’t want to smile when I feel like crying. I don’t want to have conversation with you when I can’t even get out of my bed. I don’t want to hurt myself in order to not hurt the others. Not anymore.
So instead of only posting this negative journal entry I wrote down words that crossed my mind and are associated with 2016. It’s been a long list so I picked only the most important ones to me.
I want to thank you my beautiful friends for everything. I wish you only the best to the new year. Stay beautiful. I love you.